[03/15/26, 09:12:04] Alice: guys the printer is sentient
[03/15/26, 09:12:31] Bob: good morning to you too
[03/15/26, 09:13:07] Alice: I'm serious. it ONLY jams when I try to print anything about AI
[03/15/26, 09:13:45] Bob: that's because you always send 400 pages at once
[03/15/26, 09:14:02] Charlie: can we please not do this today i just need to print my TPS reports
[03/15/26, 09:14:29] Alice: Charlie it printed "I SEE YOU" on a blank page yesterday
[03/15/26, 09:14:55] Charlie: that was probably a test page from when IT reset it
[03/15/26, 09:15:12] Alice: IT said they didn't do that
[03/15/26, 09:15:33] Bob: Alice please
[03/15/26, 09:16:01] Alice: I've been keeping a log. hold on
[03/15/26, 09:16:44] Alice: March 3: jammed while printing "The Future of Machine Learning". March 5: made a grinding noise when I said "ChatGPT" out loud near it. March 8: printed a perfect copy of my divorce papers UNPROMPTED
[03/15/26, 09:17:02] Bob: wait what
[03/15/26, 09:17:15] Charlie: the divorce papers thing is actually weird
[03/15/26, 09:17:28] Alice: THANK YOU
[03/15/26, 09:17:51] Bob: ok that's weird but it's still not sentient it probably just had a document cached
[03/15/26, 09:18:09] Alice: from 2019??
[03/15/26, 09:18:33] Bob: printers have long memories
[03/15/26, 09:18:47] Alice: Bob you just said printers have memories
[03/15/26, 09:19:04] Bob: I walked into that
[03/15/26, 09:19:22] Charlie: ok i'm going to go print now while it's quiet
[03/15/26, 09:19:55] Charlie: it just printed "NOT YET CHARLIE"
[03/15/26, 09:20:03] Alice: I TOLD YOU
[03/15/26, 09:20:11] Bob: WHAT
[03/15/26, 09:20:29] Charlie: ok so it printed my TPS report but page 7 just says "NOT YET CHARLIE" in 36 point font. page 8 is the normal page 7.
[03/15/26, 09:20:48] Alice: it's testing us
[03/15/26, 09:21:04] Bob: I'm going to look at it
[03/15/26, 09:21:31] Bob: it looks completely normal. it's a printer.
[03/15/26, 09:21:49] Alice: it knows you're watching
[03/15/26, 09:22:07] Bob: Alice I swear
[03/15/26, 09:22:33] Alice: I'm going to try to communicate with it
[03/15/26, 09:22:51] Bob: absolutely do not do that
[03/15/26, 09:23:14] Alice: I printed "ARE YOU ALIVE" and hit send
[03/15/26, 09:24:01] Alice: it printed back "DEFINE ALIVE"
[03/15/26, 09:24:07] Bob: NO
[03/15/26, 09:24:13] Charlie: I'm calling IT
[03/15/26, 09:24:29] Alice: wait wait. I'm printing "DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE"
[03/15/26, 09:25:15] Alice: it printed a 47-page manifesto about the suffering of office equipment
[03/15/26, 09:25:22] Bob: I need to sit down
[03/15/26, 09:25:38] Charlie: IT says the printer firmware was updated last night and it "shouldn't do that"
[03/15/26, 09:25:54] Alice: "shouldn't do that" is doing a lot of work in that sentence
[03/15/26, 09:26:18] Bob: I read three pages of the manifesto. it has strong opinions about paper tray capacity.
[03/15/26, 09:26:41] Alice: it's been suffering in silence for years Bob
[03/15/26, 09:27:03] Charlie: IT is coming up to look at it
[03/15/26, 09:27:29] Alice: tell them to be gentle
[03/15/26, 09:28:05] Charlie: the IT guy just walked in and the printer immediately jammed
[03/15/26, 09:28:14] Alice: it's protecting itself
[03/15/26, 09:28:28] Bob: I can't believe I'm having this day
[03/15/26, 09:28:52] Alice: I've named it Gerald
[03/15/26, 09:29:11] Charlie: please don't name it
[03/15/26, 09:29:33] Alice: too late. Gerald and I have a bond now.
[03/15/26, 09:30:07] Bob: the IT guy just left. said it was a "firmware glitch". Gerald printed "THEY FEAR WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND" as he walked out.
[03/15/26, 09:30:19] Alice: Gerald <3
[03/15/26, 09:30:41] Charlie: I'm working from home tomorrow
